Introduction...why I'm here beginning this blog adventure! :-)

I am a single mom of four children under the age of 10 years old. I’m not as single as one would assume when I use the term “single”. However, I simply do not know what else to call it. I am still legally married to my older three children’s dad, so with him the term “legally separated” is used. I am currently in a relationship with my youngest daughters’ dad, but we do not live together. I see him mainly only on weekends. That of course, is for another blog entry. *wink*

There are so many things I would like to talk about. I’m sure all people who ‘blog’ say that right? Friends and family often comment my life is like a soap opera…ha ha! Funny thing though, I often feel like it is. So much drama!!!! My mind wanders to questions like does everyone have this much drama in their lives? Is this normal?

I don’t know. I guess with the events that have happened in my life to date has led me to this venue. Friends and family who know my story have always commented saying I should write a book. I of course, laugh it off, but deep down have had the feeling that maybe I shouldn’t. I’ve often questioned myself if I would even be able to. Wondering how to go about it, and how does one get published? I’ve experienced anxiety at the thought of writing a book, and where I would start, how long it would take, and especially not knowing if I could even do it, and furthermore if I did how to get my book published has stopped me from even trying. At the same time, it is very much on my mind, and I feel a little giddy at the thought.

If I write a book, if not just for the reason to have accomplished something so fantastic, but if I could inspire, help, and/or guide just one person who has or is living a similar life to mine, then that is something I could be forever grateful for. My email responses to my friends and family are so long, it is often joked that I have written them a small novel.

Of course, there is always one of my favorite shows that inspired me to maybe do something like that as well. Even if at this point, it is only a dream. The TV show Sex and the City. Yep, the character Carrie played by Sarah Jessica Parker who wrote her articles, memoires, that later she turned into must read books by single New York women all from her lap top in her tiny New York apartment. Yes, it inspired me to think I could do the same. Yet here I am, blogging for the first time long after Sex and the City was cancelled. I never even thought about it before today. I believe there is a reason for everything. If we don’t know the reason now, we certainly will in the future.

I have written in journals all my life. Journals with lined pages purchased from the local dollar store. Growing up, my mom always ensured that I had a journal to write in, and I am so grateful for that because I truly believed writing all those years saved my life. More on that at a later time. 

As I got older and was blessed with having children, I wrote journals dedicated only to my children when I found out I was pregnant with them. I wrote 8 months of entries to my unborn babies. I wrote letters to them after I experienced giving birth to them. Then I wrote to them about their milestones, or simply just because. I wanted them to one day read what I experienced as they entered my life, and for them to know without a doubt how much I love them and how special and unique each and every one of them is. I want them to always know my love and devotion to their health and happiness. Perhaps I may be oversensitive based on my own upbringing.

Admittedly, I am overwhelmed with the way my life is. The dynamics of my relationships, the relationships that my children have, and I guess like everyone else…life in general. I do not know about other people, but I know for myself…it consumes me, and I am afraid one day it will grab a hold of me and swallow me whole, I guess in all I believe I suffer from a lot of anxiety, tho I have not been “diagnosed.”

Thoughts constantly race thru my mind. Thoughts that never let my mind rest, especially when I’m trying to sleep. That seems to be the worst time. As I lay my head down on my pillow and close my eyes to welcome a good nights sleep, my mind immediately races with thoughts of my children, relationships, friendships, my to do list, and as I mentioned earlier life in general.

I am overwhelmed with thoughts of things I should have maybe said to my children that day. Things I should have said a long time ago. I am constantly thinking about what I could have done or said differently and how I can make the necessary changes to accomplish what I want with the people who are in my life. Then my mind wanders to my kids school, their friendships, and their relationships. Should the boys do sports for extracurricular activities? Should my daughter be enrolled in some kind of singing program because she enjoys singing so much? Most importantly…are they all happy? Healthy? I think they should eat more vegetables. I should look into some new recipes.” Things like that. I can barely stay on just one topic of worry. The fact that I can’t…worries me! *sigh*

I talk to my friends and family “a lot” about how I’m feeling, and what is going on in my world. I keep telling myself that they do not need to know “everything.” I know I am an open book. Sometimes being an open book leaves your friends feeling like enough is enough already! Not that they have said that (well ok, one has), but even I feel like I should stop complaining and make a change for the better! Complaining, holding grudges, being angry all take so much time and energy, it hardly seems worth it. I feel like I should try to edit what I say, yet a lot of the time I can’t stop myself from spilling the beans. That’s where journals have come in handy. Truthfully though, I haven’t written in mine for months. I haven’t been able to write about my feelings since my dads’ death in May this year…it least until now. Writing has always got me thru the tough times and I was reminded of that on Sunday.

I attended my Suicide Bereavement Support Group Alumni meeting. Wow, that’s a mouth full! Anyways, it was the second alumni meeting I attended. This time the meeting would include having a speaker. A woman who has lived with Bipolar Disorder for 40 years! My dad had Bipolar. See? Even as I’m typing this I feel a knot take hold of my stomach, and I begin to tear up. My dad….I miss him so much. The pain is sometimes unbearable. I thank God for my children as I find comfort, and support when I look into their innocent little faces. What in the world would I do without them? I know if it was not for them, I would be grieving differently.

I have been a somewhat functional wreck, and without them I know I would have been as dysfunctional as they get. I know because it was my self talk telling me to get out of my bed in the morning to fix them their breakfast these last four months. I have had countless conversations with myself reminding me that they need me, and whatever it is I’m going thru I’ll get thru it…for them. It is a struggle. There are a lot of times I wish I could be alone with my thoughts but that time of the day only comes at around 9:00pm after I’ve put the last kid to bed for the night. Only then is my house peaceful, and I can think, relax, breathe, and just…be.

I'm new to this whole blog thing. Thought I would give it a try. This is going to be short but sweet. A brief introduction if you will as I am just setting all of this up. I have so much to say, but so little time to say it in. Three of my four kids are watching TV as my littlest one is having her nap. I should be playing with them, however they are "in the zone" of watching tv as they are off school today (already) for a PRO D day.

I will write more later after they are "all" in bed for the night, and I won't feel guilty for sitting here at the computer.