Last Thursday morning, I woke up to check my facebook account only to find a good friend of mine had unexpectedly passed away the night before. She was only 48 years old. She was a wife, mother of three, Grandma to her precious granddaughter "B", and my friend.
I waited until my youngest daughter was out of preschool to drive over to the families home with a bouquet of flowers, a card and not knowing what to say really. I was shocked, I had just spoke with her on Tuesday.
I saw her youngest daughter first. I gave her a hug as she explained how her mom would never see her graduate, get married or have children. I walked into their home where my friend had died and was overwhelmed. I reminded the family that myself and my family are here for them and as I started to lose my brave front, I left with tears in my eyes. I didn't want them to see my grief. They were in for a long haul all on their own. My heart breaks for them.
When I think of all the talks her and I had about life, children and her granddaughter that she just absolutely loved more than life itself, it completely broke me. She often said there are no words to explain what it's like to be a Grandparent. She loved her kids of course but that next generation was something else! This always made me smile and the way she spoke about it made me start to look forward to that chapter in my life. Of course WAY, WAY, WAY down the road!!! =)
When I got home, I looked up her facebook profile and scanned through pictures of her with her granddaughter. I couldn't help but sob uncontrollably as I was reminded that she will not see her granddaughter grow up just as my dad will not see my kids grow up. That very fact threw me for a spin and I felt like it was last year all over again when my dad passed away.
I think of my littlest one he never got the chance to know because he took his life six months after her first birthday and it's beyond devastating. The last time he saw her, she was a mere 9 months old, not even crawling yet. There isn't a day that goes by when I'm with my youngest daughter and she's making me laugh and reaching new milestones that I don't think how much my dad would have got a kick out of her character. She is so funny and unique and she would have brought so much laughter into his life as she does for all others that are around her.
My dad had years with my other kids that showed him their personalities so he knew them and vice versa. I am forever grateful they had the time given to them all to form that special bond between grandparent and grandchild. At the same time, from time to time that very point makes me angry. My kids knew my dad so it was extremely difficult for them when he passed whereas my youngest didn't know him so she does not feel the pain of losing him. My youngest one only knows my dad by his picture hanging on the wall in our living room and that thinking of Grandpa still makes mommy sad.
It was the day after I found out about my friend that I felt paralyzed by her death. All but one of my kids were at school so I had to stay with it enough to care for my youngest daughter. However I spent the day zoned out as she played with toys around me. I periodically just sat on the couch staring off into space and more often than not cried when I pictured my friends face and how she was always there for me no matter what.
This past weekend I needed some time to myself. I wanted to have the luxury of just wandering but I didn't exactly want to be alone, so I decided to go to the mall. I was walking past the jewellery store my boyfriend and I had been in the week before when I saw the salesman that helped us standing behind the counter. I decided to go in to say hi (and to have another peek at the ring we chose). While we were talking he started listing the days he's working the following week. All but Wednesday he says, "I'm going to a funeral." I replied telling him that we had to go to a funeral as well on Wednesday. He proceeded to tell me about his friend that died last Wednesday night who was only 48 years old, heavy smoker and that she had died in her sleep while taking a nap. I froze. I felt chills and goosebumps from head to toe. I asked him her name but he wouldn't say, so I told him my friends name. I just had this incredible feeling (besides the nauseous one forming in my stomach) that we were talking about the same woman. Could it really be her? What are the chances, really?
These thoughts were suddenly racing through my head and looking at his frozen face told me we were in fact speaking of the same woman. He stared at me in disbelief and matter of factly said "we need to hug" and we did. This man I did not know but whom I had spent a half hour or so with the week before looking at rings came around from behind the counter to give me a hug and cry on my shoulder. What a phenomenal coincidence!!!
My boyfriend and I had never gone ring shopping and this jewellery store was the last one we went to in the mall. What are the chances the one time we go looking at rings, it employs this man who turns out to be our friends neighbor for 25 years. I felt like my friend who was one of my boyfriends and my biggest supporters was bringing us together in that very moment. I believe there's a reason why after almost four years together, my boyfriend and I decided now was the time to go look at rings. A higher power if you will that the salesman that day was a goo friend and neighbor to our friend benonst to us. Furthermore, did I mention we don't even live in the same city? Wow.....
This man had more information than I had as he had heard the night before the results of the autopsy. We thought she had passed due to a heart attack, but the autopsy showed she had blood clots in her neck. Had they found them a week earlier they could have operated and she'd still be with us. I'm not a smoker, but this news inspired me to make a point of going to my doctor regularly for check ups.
No matter what the relationship/friendship of a loved one you've lost, however close or what the circumstances are, grief is grief and it is how we manage it that will make the difference.
I chose the title "Tripping over kids" because almost everyday I "literally" am. I have four children and each and every one of them is unique. They all want and need not only to be loved and valued but they need and want individual time as well, from me.
All of them surround me, mostly talking at the same time hoping that I'll choose them to zero in on. It's like to kids, they should be the only ones to matter not their siblings. Like what they have to say and/or contribute is more important. I get it, they're kids but that's not how I've raised them. So from time to time they lose sight of that and they fight for my attention no holds barred. Everyone does it I'm sure! I love my kids equally but I treat them as individuals as they have different personalities, interests, wants and needs. I do my best to pay attention to that and do what I can but I have wants and needs too.
When I'm grieving I need space. When my dad passed away, I felt like I was always saying that and all too often I really would trip over them as they were all vying for my attention. Attention I had the most difficult time giving at such a painful time in my own life.
I have often said to them, "personal space" as a reminder to them that mommy needs space too. My own individual time. I don't love them any less, just that I'm doing my best, I love them but I need a minute. I gave myself permission to feel what I was feeling and the kids eventually learned from that and respect when I'm having a moment that I need to be my own.
Shortly after losing my dad to suicide I gave myself permission to look at my future with the full intention of not allowing his death to rule my life. Some days are harder than others and I'm certain that's true for everyone. Some days I view it as I'm struggling and other days I tell myself it's all part of the journey. Either way...simply put.....it sucks.
Losing my friend last week was a reminder once again that you just never know and as the saying goes, "Live well, laugh often, and love much. I for one admittedly take things (and people) for granted.
In my weakness, once again I will find strength.
Rest in peace my friend, rest in peace.
