Ok, ok admittedly I keep telling myself there's always tomorrow to write in my blog. The whole point of a blog and to have be even remotely successful is to continue to write in it everyday - or every other day. I am doing neither one.
A big part of it is I feel discouraged that there are no comments on here regarding what I've written, so I feel like I've failed. Or no one is interested in what I have to say. I've lost sight of the reasons I started it in the first place. To help others going through a loss of a loved one to suicide and in turn to help me by talking about it. Even if no one is leaving comments doesn't mean people are not reading it - right?
Ok well....moving on to the topic at hand. I haven't attended an alumni meeting in months. I miss it and I miss the people I began to view as friends that I met there when I attended the bereavement group. Yet at the same time I am relieved because I'm not surrounded by other people in pain. Mine is hard enough to deal with as it is.
Thanksgiving was last week and it was harder than I thought. Even my mom who comes off as so strong and having it together - fell apart. It's not often she calls me to talk about dad and how she's feeling, but Thanksgiving had her doing just that.
She drove the three hours it takes her to go to the cemetary where we buried him. She took him a bouquet of flowers, wished him a Happy Thanksgiving and drove the three hours back home, alone. She said she was tired from the drive but the emotional strain of being there proved to be too much so she was having a hard time.
I became upset and found myself cursing my dads name under my breath. This time I had to be strong for my mom. She went on to question "How could he have done this? What was he thinking? Didn't he know what this would do to us?"
I told her "No mom, he didn't, because in the moment he decided to take his life, it was only about his pain. He didn't think about us and how him not being around would affect all those who loved and cared for him."
She said "He knew, he had to of." Yep, I agree....but when your mind isn't right and people who take their own lives clearly do not have a "right mind" they don't really "know."
It least that's what was telling myself "that" day to help my mom. I have lost track of times I asked myself those very same questions. Reality is, we will never know. The unfortunate side to that is thinking and feeling along those lines is all part of acceptance. Accepting that no matter how many times we question him, ourselves and/or the situation - he's gone and he is not coming back. I used to hate that word *acceptance* but as time is moving on and I realize more and more each day he's not coming back I'm beginning to understand it a little better. Who knows, maybe I'll stop feeling like punching out the next person that says to me "You have to accept he's gone."
That being said, people go on forever if you take them with you. At Christmas, I'll take my dad with me, as we sit around the table for Christmas dinner with our family. When I watch all my kids open their presents Christmas morning and on their birthdays, I'll take him with me. When I'm attending my sons upcoming induction into First Degree Black Belt, I'll take him with me.
My youngest daughter (turning three next month) has recently started saying to me "I keep you." She always hugs me so tight when she says it. Her little arms wrapped around my neck pulling me towards her. She started saying it when I drop her off at preschool and when I tuck her into bed at night. Lately she's starting saying it "just because." It warms my heart more than words can explain and has created such a special memory that I will cherish for the rest of my life. I always reply to her "I keep you too" and think to myself, I keep you too Dad. In my heart always - I'll take you with me.
