Ok, ok admittedly I keep telling myself there's always tomorrow to write in my blog. The whole point of a blog and to have be even remotely successful is to continue to write in it everyday - or every other day. I am doing neither one.
A big part of it is I feel discouraged that there are no comments on here regarding what I've written, so I feel like I've failed. Or no one is interested in what I have to say. I've lost sight of the reasons I started it in the first place. To help others going through a loss of a loved one to suicide and in turn to help me by talking about it. Even if no one is leaving comments doesn't mean people are not reading it - right?
Ok well....moving on to the topic at hand. I haven't attended an alumni meeting in months. I miss it and I miss the people I began to view as friends that I met there when I attended the bereavement group. Yet at the same time I am relieved because I'm not surrounded by other people in pain. Mine is hard enough to deal with as it is.
Thanksgiving was last week and it was harder than I thought. Even my mom who comes off as so strong and having it together - fell apart. It's not often she calls me to talk about dad and how she's feeling, but Thanksgiving had her doing just that.
She drove the three hours it takes her to go to the cemetary where we buried him. She took him a bouquet of flowers, wished him a Happy Thanksgiving and drove the three hours back home, alone. She said she was tired from the drive but the emotional strain of being there proved to be too much so she was having a hard time.
I became upset and found myself cursing my dads name under my breath. This time I had to be strong for my mom. She went on to question "How could he have done this? What was he thinking? Didn't he know what this would do to us?"
I told her "No mom, he didn't, because in the moment he decided to take his life, it was only about his pain. He didn't think about us and how him not being around would affect all those who loved and cared for him."
She said "He knew, he had to of." Yep, I agree....but when your mind isn't right and people who take their own lives clearly do not have a "right mind" they don't really "know."
It least that's what was telling myself "that" day to help my mom. I have lost track of times I asked myself those very same questions. Reality is, we will never know. The unfortunate side to that is thinking and feeling along those lines is all part of acceptance. Accepting that no matter how many times we question him, ourselves and/or the situation - he's gone and he is not coming back. I used to hate that word *acceptance* but as time is moving on and I realize more and more each day he's not coming back I'm beginning to understand it a little better. Who knows, maybe I'll stop feeling like punching out the next person that says to me "You have to accept he's gone."
That being said, people go on forever if you take them with you. At Christmas, I'll take my dad with me, as we sit around the table for Christmas dinner with our family. When I watch all my kids open their presents Christmas morning and on their birthdays, I'll take him with me. When I'm attending my sons upcoming induction into First Degree Black Belt, I'll take him with me.
My youngest daughter (turning three next month) has recently started saying to me "I keep you." She always hugs me so tight when she says it. Her little arms wrapped around my neck pulling me towards her. She started saying it when I drop her off at preschool and when I tuck her into bed at night. Lately she's starting saying it "just because." It warms my heart more than words can explain and has created such a special memory that I will cherish for the rest of my life. I always reply to her "I keep you too" and think to myself, I keep you too Dad. In my heart always - I'll take you with me.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
An unexpected reminder...
Last Thursday morning, I woke up to check my facebook account only to find a good friend of mine had unexpectedly passed away the night before. She was only 48 years old. She was a wife, mother of three, Grandma to her precious granddaughter "B", and my friend.
I waited until my youngest daughter was out of preschool to drive over to the families home with a bouquet of flowers, a card and not knowing what to say really. I was shocked, I had just spoke with her on Tuesday.
I saw her youngest daughter first. I gave her a hug as she explained how her mom would never see her graduate, get married or have children. I walked into their home where my friend had died and was overwhelmed. I reminded the family that myself and my family are here for them and as I started to lose my brave front, I left with tears in my eyes. I didn't want them to see my grief. They were in for a long haul all on their own. My heart breaks for them.
When I think of all the talks her and I had about life, children and her granddaughter that she just absolutely loved more than life itself, it completely broke me. She often said there are no words to explain what it's like to be a Grandparent. She loved her kids of course but that next generation was something else! This always made me smile and the way she spoke about it made me start to look forward to that chapter in my life. Of course WAY, WAY, WAY down the road!!! =)
When I got home, I looked up her facebook profile and scanned through pictures of her with her granddaughter. I couldn't help but sob uncontrollably as I was reminded that she will not see her granddaughter grow up just as my dad will not see my kids grow up. That very fact threw me for a spin and I felt like it was last year all over again when my dad passed away.
I think of my littlest one he never got the chance to know because he took his life six months after her first birthday and it's beyond devastating. The last time he saw her, she was a mere 9 months old, not even crawling yet. There isn't a day that goes by when I'm with my youngest daughter and she's making me laugh and reaching new milestones that I don't think how much my dad would have got a kick out of her character. She is so funny and unique and she would have brought so much laughter into his life as she does for all others that are around her.
My dad had years with my other kids that showed him their personalities so he knew them and vice versa. I am forever grateful they had the time given to them all to form that special bond between grandparent and grandchild. At the same time, from time to time that very point makes me angry. My kids knew my dad so it was extremely difficult for them when he passed whereas my youngest didn't know him so she does not feel the pain of losing him. My youngest one only knows my dad by his picture hanging on the wall in our living room and that thinking of Grandpa still makes mommy sad.
It was the day after I found out about my friend that I felt paralyzed by her death. All but one of my kids were at school so I had to stay with it enough to care for my youngest daughter. However I spent the day zoned out as she played with toys around me. I periodically just sat on the couch staring off into space and more often than not cried when I pictured my friends face and how she was always there for me no matter what.
This past weekend I needed some time to myself. I wanted to have the luxury of just wandering but I didn't exactly want to be alone, so I decided to go to the mall. I was walking past the jewellery store my boyfriend and I had been in the week before when I saw the salesman that helped us standing behind the counter. I decided to go in to say hi (and to have another peek at the ring we chose). While we were talking he started listing the days he's working the following week. All but Wednesday he says, "I'm going to a funeral." I replied telling him that we had to go to a funeral as well on Wednesday. He proceeded to tell me about his friend that died last Wednesday night who was only 48 years old, heavy smoker and that she had died in her sleep while taking a nap. I froze. I felt chills and goosebumps from head to toe. I asked him her name but he wouldn't say, so I told him my friends name. I just had this incredible feeling (besides the nauseous one forming in my stomach) that we were talking about the same woman. Could it really be her? What are the chances, really?
These thoughts were suddenly racing through my head and looking at his frozen face told me we were in fact speaking of the same woman. He stared at me in disbelief and matter of factly said "we need to hug" and we did. This man I did not know but whom I had spent a half hour or so with the week before looking at rings came around from behind the counter to give me a hug and cry on my shoulder. What a phenomenal coincidence!!!
My boyfriend and I had never gone ring shopping and this jewellery store was the last one we went to in the mall. What are the chances the one time we go looking at rings, it employs this man who turns out to be our friends neighbor for 25 years. I felt like my friend who was one of my boyfriends and my biggest supporters was bringing us together in that very moment. I believe there's a reason why after almost four years together, my boyfriend and I decided now was the time to go look at rings. A higher power if you will that the salesman that day was a goo friend and neighbor to our friend benonst to us. Furthermore, did I mention we don't even live in the same city? Wow.....
This man had more information than I had as he had heard the night before the results of the autopsy. We thought she had passed due to a heart attack, but the autopsy showed she had blood clots in her neck. Had they found them a week earlier they could have operated and she'd still be with us. I'm not a smoker, but this news inspired me to make a point of going to my doctor regularly for check ups.
No matter what the relationship/friendship of a loved one you've lost, however close or what the circumstances are, grief is grief and it is how we manage it that will make the difference.
I chose the title "Tripping over kids" because almost everyday I "literally" am. I have four children and each and every one of them is unique. They all want and need not only to be loved and valued but they need and want individual time as well, from me.
All of them surround me, mostly talking at the same time hoping that I'll choose them to zero in on. It's like to kids, they should be the only ones to matter not their siblings. Like what they have to say and/or contribute is more important. I get it, they're kids but that's not how I've raised them. So from time to time they lose sight of that and they fight for my attention no holds barred. Everyone does it I'm sure! I love my kids equally but I treat them as individuals as they have different personalities, interests, wants and needs. I do my best to pay attention to that and do what I can but I have wants and needs too.
When I'm grieving I need space. When my dad passed away, I felt like I was always saying that and all too often I really would trip over them as they were all vying for my attention. Attention I had the most difficult time giving at such a painful time in my own life.
I have often said to them, "personal space" as a reminder to them that mommy needs space too. My own individual time. I don't love them any less, just that I'm doing my best, I love them but I need a minute. I gave myself permission to feel what I was feeling and the kids eventually learned from that and respect when I'm having a moment that I need to be my own.
Shortly after losing my dad to suicide I gave myself permission to look at my future with the full intention of not allowing his death to rule my life. Some days are harder than others and I'm certain that's true for everyone. Some days I view it as I'm struggling and other days I tell myself it's all part of the journey. Either way...simply put.....it sucks.
Losing my friend last week was a reminder once again that you just never know and as the saying goes, "Live well, laugh often, and love much. I for one admittedly take things (and people) for granted.
In my weakness, once again I will find strength.
Rest in peace my friend, rest in peace.
I waited until my youngest daughter was out of preschool to drive over to the families home with a bouquet of flowers, a card and not knowing what to say really. I was shocked, I had just spoke with her on Tuesday.
I saw her youngest daughter first. I gave her a hug as she explained how her mom would never see her graduate, get married or have children. I walked into their home where my friend had died and was overwhelmed. I reminded the family that myself and my family are here for them and as I started to lose my brave front, I left with tears in my eyes. I didn't want them to see my grief. They were in for a long haul all on their own. My heart breaks for them.
When I think of all the talks her and I had about life, children and her granddaughter that she just absolutely loved more than life itself, it completely broke me. She often said there are no words to explain what it's like to be a Grandparent. She loved her kids of course but that next generation was something else! This always made me smile and the way she spoke about it made me start to look forward to that chapter in my life. Of course WAY, WAY, WAY down the road!!! =)
When I got home, I looked up her facebook profile and scanned through pictures of her with her granddaughter. I couldn't help but sob uncontrollably as I was reminded that she will not see her granddaughter grow up just as my dad will not see my kids grow up. That very fact threw me for a spin and I felt like it was last year all over again when my dad passed away.
I think of my littlest one he never got the chance to know because he took his life six months after her first birthday and it's beyond devastating. The last time he saw her, she was a mere 9 months old, not even crawling yet. There isn't a day that goes by when I'm with my youngest daughter and she's making me laugh and reaching new milestones that I don't think how much my dad would have got a kick out of her character. She is so funny and unique and she would have brought so much laughter into his life as she does for all others that are around her.
My dad had years with my other kids that showed him their personalities so he knew them and vice versa. I am forever grateful they had the time given to them all to form that special bond between grandparent and grandchild. At the same time, from time to time that very point makes me angry. My kids knew my dad so it was extremely difficult for them when he passed whereas my youngest didn't know him so she does not feel the pain of losing him. My youngest one only knows my dad by his picture hanging on the wall in our living room and that thinking of Grandpa still makes mommy sad.
It was the day after I found out about my friend that I felt paralyzed by her death. All but one of my kids were at school so I had to stay with it enough to care for my youngest daughter. However I spent the day zoned out as she played with toys around me. I periodically just sat on the couch staring off into space and more often than not cried when I pictured my friends face and how she was always there for me no matter what.
This past weekend I needed some time to myself. I wanted to have the luxury of just wandering but I didn't exactly want to be alone, so I decided to go to the mall. I was walking past the jewellery store my boyfriend and I had been in the week before when I saw the salesman that helped us standing behind the counter. I decided to go in to say hi (and to have another peek at the ring we chose). While we were talking he started listing the days he's working the following week. All but Wednesday he says, "I'm going to a funeral." I replied telling him that we had to go to a funeral as well on Wednesday. He proceeded to tell me about his friend that died last Wednesday night who was only 48 years old, heavy smoker and that she had died in her sleep while taking a nap. I froze. I felt chills and goosebumps from head to toe. I asked him her name but he wouldn't say, so I told him my friends name. I just had this incredible feeling (besides the nauseous one forming in my stomach) that we were talking about the same woman. Could it really be her? What are the chances, really?
These thoughts were suddenly racing through my head and looking at his frozen face told me we were in fact speaking of the same woman. He stared at me in disbelief and matter of factly said "we need to hug" and we did. This man I did not know but whom I had spent a half hour or so with the week before looking at rings came around from behind the counter to give me a hug and cry on my shoulder. What a phenomenal coincidence!!!
My boyfriend and I had never gone ring shopping and this jewellery store was the last one we went to in the mall. What are the chances the one time we go looking at rings, it employs this man who turns out to be our friends neighbor for 25 years. I felt like my friend who was one of my boyfriends and my biggest supporters was bringing us together in that very moment. I believe there's a reason why after almost four years together, my boyfriend and I decided now was the time to go look at rings. A higher power if you will that the salesman that day was a goo friend and neighbor to our friend benonst to us. Furthermore, did I mention we don't even live in the same city? Wow.....
This man had more information than I had as he had heard the night before the results of the autopsy. We thought she had passed due to a heart attack, but the autopsy showed she had blood clots in her neck. Had they found them a week earlier they could have operated and she'd still be with us. I'm not a smoker, but this news inspired me to make a point of going to my doctor regularly for check ups.
No matter what the relationship/friendship of a loved one you've lost, however close or what the circumstances are, grief is grief and it is how we manage it that will make the difference.
I chose the title "Tripping over kids" because almost everyday I "literally" am. I have four children and each and every one of them is unique. They all want and need not only to be loved and valued but they need and want individual time as well, from me.
All of them surround me, mostly talking at the same time hoping that I'll choose them to zero in on. It's like to kids, they should be the only ones to matter not their siblings. Like what they have to say and/or contribute is more important. I get it, they're kids but that's not how I've raised them. So from time to time they lose sight of that and they fight for my attention no holds barred. Everyone does it I'm sure! I love my kids equally but I treat them as individuals as they have different personalities, interests, wants and needs. I do my best to pay attention to that and do what I can but I have wants and needs too.
When I'm grieving I need space. When my dad passed away, I felt like I was always saying that and all too often I really would trip over them as they were all vying for my attention. Attention I had the most difficult time giving at such a painful time in my own life.
I have often said to them, "personal space" as a reminder to them that mommy needs space too. My own individual time. I don't love them any less, just that I'm doing my best, I love them but I need a minute. I gave myself permission to feel what I was feeling and the kids eventually learned from that and respect when I'm having a moment that I need to be my own.
Shortly after losing my dad to suicide I gave myself permission to look at my future with the full intention of not allowing his death to rule my life. Some days are harder than others and I'm certain that's true for everyone. Some days I view it as I'm struggling and other days I tell myself it's all part of the journey. Either way...simply put.....it sucks.
Losing my friend last week was a reminder once again that you just never know and as the saying goes, "Live well, laugh often, and love much. I for one admittedly take things (and people) for granted.
In my weakness, once again I will find strength.
Rest in peace my friend, rest in peace.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Upcoming Anniversary Date
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I've been feeling a shift in the way I am again. Thinking of Dad, feeling anxious and sad more than usual. Ugh!!!! Thanks a lot Dad! My mom has felt it too. The 'first' year is the hardest they say....soooo how will things be after that when it's the second, the third and so on?
It is crazy how much I think of him. The worst is at night after the kids are in bed and I'm alone with my thoughts.
Since my last meeting with my alumni group for suicide survivors, I've decided that I'm going to give myself permission to attend one more meeting before taking a break. I believe it will be on May 23rd, 2010.
The meetings are always nice as a way to check in and see how everyone is doing, but it's also painful, draining and depressing. There are people there that lost their loved ones to suicide 40 to 25 years ago. I don't want to be like them.
I don't want to be sitting in a room with people I don't really know crying about how much I miss my dad. I truly feel it's what I needed for this first year without him, but now it is time for me to move on and perhaps find other ways to approach getting through the rest of my life without him.
I just have this overwhelming feeling that given May is the anniversary month of his death, I will have given myself permission to grieve for a year. Don't get me wrong, I will always be grieving, always missing him. There has to be a time that the sadness, hopeless, depressed and confused feelings take a back seat to my everyday life. There has to be a time that I get into the drivers seat of my own life and just deal with it. I'm determined to not let his death break me as I know it has this past year.
It's affected my relationships with everyone, especially my kids. I hope and pray they know how much I love them, but this has been damn hard.
I have never in my life wanted to change something so bad. For someone who people refer to as controlling, can you imagine the desperation I feel to want to control "this"???
These postings for example are depressing to me and I am usually reduced to sobbing uncontrollably because it brings everything to the surface.
I don't want to live my life like that....like this. I want to write about positive and fun things. Like my children. That always brings a smile to my face. They are what lifts me up when I am down. For the most part anyways. It's all been so overwhelming.
Let's face it though...I am a single mom with four children under the age of 10 years old. It's a lot of work. I can't let my grief control me.
I saw a video on you tube a couple weeks ago pertaining to cancer (the link for it is at the end of this entry). It has various people who are clearly angry yelling at cancer. Please take a look, as it has people looking at the camera or looking at themselves in the mirror yelling about how cancer has affected them and/or their loved ones. I can totally see it pertaining to suicide as well and it was suggested as such by a suicide survivors group. Very powerful video. So hard though for any suicide survivor as I know we all feel so powerless.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=crXaLu9Ecmg
Monday, March 29, 2010
Behind on blogging
Wow! I haven't posted in months now! Just thought to go thru my posts and found a draft from Christmas that I never posted. I've posted it now.
So weird to be reading what I was feeling at that time. I remember that night, feeling so depressed, alone and crippled by the pain I was feeling from losing my dad. Honestly not much has changed since December. Only I don't cry as often because I've learned to stop thinking of him when thougths of him start to creep into my mind. Then I get upset that I'm not able to think about him because I so wish I could think of the wonderful memories of him not just his death. What is it going to take, really? Time?
Did our loved ones have ANY idea the pain they would inflict on those around them when they did what they felt they needed to do in the moment they did the act? Did they realize how it would change our lives and sculpt us to be different people than the ones they knew us to be before they left us?
So many unanswered questions surrounding a loss to suicide. Many we will never ever have. Like a roller coaster mentioned so many times pertaining to the subject of suicide..being the surviviors....our feelings go around and around, up and down. Or like a ring, a circle with no end...It has forever changed me and so many others.
Now the question is....how do WE that are left behind to mourn our loss survive without our loved ones?
So weird to be reading what I was feeling at that time. I remember that night, feeling so depressed, alone and crippled by the pain I was feeling from losing my dad. Honestly not much has changed since December. Only I don't cry as often because I've learned to stop thinking of him when thougths of him start to creep into my mind. Then I get upset that I'm not able to think about him because I so wish I could think of the wonderful memories of him not just his death. What is it going to take, really? Time?
I joined a Suicide Bereavement Support Group a week after he passed and every two months the group and others from other groups get together for a few hours. Kind of checking in with everyone to see how they are all doing. These gatherings never fail to shock me that there are people there that have been suffering for years and years. At last nights meeting, I sat there only having gone thru it the past 10 months. Everyone's pain is just as intense, painful and beyond any pain we've ever felt at losing someone we love to suicide. No matter how much time has passed.
So many unanswered questions surrounding a loss to suicide. Many we will never ever have. Like a roller coaster mentioned so many times pertaining to the subject of suicide..being the surviviors....our feelings go around and around, up and down. Or like a ring, a circle with no end...It has forever changed me and so many others.
Now the question is....how do WE that are left behind to mourn our loss survive without our loved ones?
Christmas
Wow. It has been so long since I've written. So much going on. Not only because of the holidays, but busy with kids of course. So the usual really. However, at this time of year, Christmas, which used to be my absolute favoite time of year *sigh* This is the very first Christmas without my dad. It has now been seven months since his passing. I miss him so much. He is always on my mind. When I think of him I attempt to only think about the good memories (as suggested by so many people). However, I'm finding any kind of memory of him is still too painful and tears automatically form in my eyes. It throws me how often and how hard I am hit by his memory. Even as I lay my head down to sleep at night and close my eyes, my pillow is suddenly wet from my tears. It's been such a struggle, and I have so many thoughts, that I even struggle to write about it. Writing was never a problem before losing Dad. I've kept journals all my life. There is just so much emotion, it's all very overwhelming and I get lost in my own thoughts having a hard time making sense of it all. My thoughts are just....scrambled.
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