Behind on blogging

Wow!  I haven't posted in months now!  Just thought to go thru my posts and found a draft from Christmas that I never posted.  I've posted it now. 

So weird to be reading what I was feeling at that time.  I remember that night, feeling so depressed, alone and crippled by the pain I was feeling from losing my dad.  Honestly not much has changed since December.  Only I don't cry as often because I've learned to stop thinking of him when thougths of him start to creep into my mind.  Then I get upset that I'm not able to think about him because I so wish I could think of the wonderful memories of him not just his death.  What is it going to take, really?  Time? 

I joined a Suicide Bereavement Support Group a week after he passed and every two months the group and others from other groups get together for a few hours.  Kind of checking in with everyone to see how they are all doing.  These gatherings never fail to shock me that there are people there that have been suffering for years and years.  At last nights meeting, I sat there only having gone thru it the past 10 months.  Everyone's pain is just as intense, painful and beyond any pain we've ever felt at losing someone we love to suicide.  No matter how much time has passed. 

Did our loved ones have ANY idea the pain they would inflict on those around them when they did what they felt they needed to do in the moment they did the act?  Did they realize how it would change our lives and sculpt us to be different people than the ones they knew us to be before they left us? 

So many unanswered questions surrounding a loss to suicide.  Many we will never ever have.  Like a roller coaster mentioned so many times pertaining to the subject of suicide..being the surviviors....our feelings go  around and around, up and down.  Or like a ring, a circle with no end...It has forever changed me and so many others.

Now the question is....how do WE that are left behind to mourn our loss survive without our loved ones?

Christmas

Wow.  It has been so long since I've written.  So much going on.  Not only because of the holidays, but busy with kids of course.  So the usual really.  However, at this time of year, Christmas, which used to be my absolute favoite time of year *sigh* This is the very first Christmas without my dad.  It has now been seven months since his passing.  I miss him so much.  He is always on my mind.  When I think of him I attempt to only think about the good memories (as suggested by so many people).  However, I'm finding any kind of memory of him is still too painful and tears automatically form in my eyes.  It throws me how often and how hard I am hit by his memory.  Even as I lay my head down to sleep at night and close my eyes, my pillow is suddenly wet from my tears.  It's been such a struggle, and I have so many thoughts, that I even struggle to write about it.  Writing was never a problem before losing Dad.  I've kept journals all my life.  There is just so much emotion, it's all very overwhelming and I get lost in my own thoughts having a hard time making sense of it all.  My thoughts are just....scrambled.