Feeling out of sorts today...

I can't seem to calm my nerves, and stop my eyes from tearing up today. Thoughts of my dad racing thru my mind as I think about the fact that I will never see him again.

It's been a month and a half since we had a Celebration of Life for him. Only today did I get around to writing the Thank-you cards to people who attended.

We took a group photo at the Celebration and I made copies for everyone and enclosed it with the card. Thing is, the copies of the photos were done weeks ago. The thank-you cards purchased weeks before that. The copies of the memorial CD I created that I played at the celebration were made a short while ago as well. I just haven't been able to bring myself to put it all together. I even feel an overhwelming anxiety about getting the right size envelopes to send them.

I wrote on the thank-you cards. Some I knew what to say, others I did not. What do you say? I mean, I feel it is important that I acknowledge the people who came to remember my dad, but I had no idea that even that would cause so much grief, and anxiety and be so very difficult to do. In some ways, I am paralyzed by my grief. I just want my dad back...

My oldest child is home from school today. Thank goodness he is closed in my bedroom totally engrossed with a movie, breathing in the medicine from the vaporizer that will help his congested chest today. My youngest (22 months old) is napping. Neither child is around so I'm free to cry and wish with all my heart that I can change things...knowing full well, I can't. My dad chose to take his own life, and now he is gone.

Looking at the clock on my computer shows me that it's lunch time and I have to make some chicken noodle soup for my son. The baby will be up shortly as well. I must close, but wanted to get how I was feeling off my chest. *Sigh* I feel better, sort of....