I haven't felt an overwhelming urge to blog lately. Kids have been sick, as have I. I have been dealing with relationship issues with unfortunately more than one person in my life. A lot to handle.
Thanksgiving was....nice. Different...but nice. This was the first Thanksgiving without my dad, so a lot of mixed emotions there.
I feel like I'm going thru a phase whenever I think of my dad I immediately try to push the thoughts out of my head. Thinking of him tonight though...pushing the thoughts out of my head is simply put not an option. Tried going to bed, but couldn't stop thinking of him so thought this was a good time to get up and write. Even though it is 12:45am and I'm exhausted I can't seem to calm my nerves and racing thoughts. Hoping this will help a bit. Kind of like an outlet to release my emotions. Bleh....
I went to Dad's grave last week. First time ever by myself. I woke up early last Monday. It was Thanksgiving Day and I woke up needing to be there, I couldn't get there fast enough. Kids were taken care of, so I gave myself permission to go. I took an orange, yellow, and red plant to place on his grave. Colors of the fall, which brought a smile to my face.
I thought it would be nice to call my mom in Regina on the way there. It was Thanksgiving and I knew it would be hard on her to be alone for the first time on Thanksgiving. However, as soon as I heard her voice, a lump formed in my throat and I could barely speak. I managed to tell her where I was going, but that's all I could get out. She asked me if I was ok. I sobbed no. Told her I would call her later, and I was sorry.
I'm not sure why that suddenly happened. I was fine until we started to speak. I think sometimes it's too hard to talk to her because she reminds me of my dad. She's all I have left for a parent. Speaking to her reminds me I can no longer speak to him.
There I was thinking I would phone her and support her on that day, but turns out I'm the one that needed the support.
Once I got thru that morning at his graveside, I went home and put on my happy face for my kids and cooked a wonderful Thanksgiving meal. It was a nice idea, but my heart wasn't really in it. I felt....numb.
It comes and goes. At this moment, it's here, and hopefully I pray that when I attempt to sleep again it'll go. Tears have fallen down my face as I typed about Thanksgiving here. Perhaps that is the release I needed. I think I'll try to go to bed again and get some rest.... kids have school and it'll be here before I know it.
I think it's a very good thing you're writing your feelings down, Tera. Get them out of your head and onto...paper I would normally say, when I talk about journaling. Good not to keep it bottled up.
ReplyDeleteMy prayer for you this morning is that you'll have a good day, enjoying your kids.
Love, marja
I'm so glad I found your blog today. I lost my dad to suicide recently too and reading this is an inspiration to me. You must be a very strong person, going through this and still being a great mom to four kids.
ReplyDeleteI have been trying to push thoughts of my dad out of my head a lot since he died, but I'm trying to stop doing that as much because it feels like I've been in a haze, not allowing myself to feel anything or to accept what happened to him. Writing helps to get it out. Our dads died in a terrible way but we need to get through it somehow.
Thank you so much for sharing.